The Lupus Strut

A Refreshing Moment!
Today is a good day! I had a wonderful weekend, my performance went well (Thank the Lord) and I was able to take a minute to gather my thoughts, reflect and enjoy a little quiet time! Every day that is granted to me, is one that I enter with expectancy and excitement, and I look forward to what the unfolding of the day will bring! I'm listening to music by my favorite classical composers Antonio Salieri, Bach, Beethoven, Ray Lynch and Mozart! They always seem to soothe me, and give me inspiration when I begin to write. I especially love the freedom of the compositions and their individual styles, I find that we have this in common!
My Memory Serves me...

As always my mind is going and I'm thinking of many things, but one of them that is standing on the top of my head and tip of my tongue, is what my memory has served me. I like to call it my "Dish of Destiny", so to speak. You know how when you go through life and things are going well and you're reminded of something that you've been through that was not easy to get through and you have the scar to prove it? Well that is kind of my case on this cold winter evening and that's just fine...

The Lupus Strut

About eight years ago, I began having issues with my skin while in the sun, problems with my back, pain in my knees and bad headaches. I used to be a workaholic, didn't use a sunblock and at times would suffer from migraines, so I didn't make anything of it. It was only until my discomfort worsened that I consulted the advice of my primary physician and immediately he began running diagnostic tests. Needless to say, even with my family health history being what it is, he was unsuccessful in finding out what was going on with my body and told me to get more rest and begin taking a multi-vitamin.

So I did, and kept going on with life, in the fast lane, working 80 hour weeks, without hardly any sleep, and dealing with deadlines, pressures and everything that goes along with them until, my body slowly started to shut down.

Oh My God!

One night I was resting in bed on my left side trying to get comfortable and I was having that awful pain in my knees, and back, but this time I began having them in my hands and ankles too. I decided to sit up in bed and had the hardest time pushing myself up, so when I did, I swung my legs over the side of my bed and fell clear on the floor. Ker plunk! I tried to stand and fell again. I was terrified, because I had never been through anything like that before, after about five minutes I was able to stand up and get a good balance and went to get a drink of water and sat in my recliner.

My mind was racing and my heart was beating so fast, because I didn't know what was happening, and even though I was able to get up off of the floor and walk, I knew that something was terribly wrong with me, but I had no idea what.

That very next morning I called my doctor and he had me come in right away, and when I began showing him what happened, he said that it sounded like LUPUS and he sent me to a Specialist. Even though I had already been tested for it, LUPUS is one of those diseases that can go undetected for long periods of time and lie dormant. I remember losing a family member a couple of years prior who died from complications with LUPUS, and I remember her being in a wheelchair the last 4 months of her life because her legs no longer worked. Believe me that was not an easy pill to swallow, and you know how we finished the story in our minds, because of fear, especially when we don't know what the outcome will be. Thank God that I'm wiser now!

My Experience

Wow all of this time, I didn't realize that my extreme fatigue, skin irritations, joint pain, inflammation, memory loss and photo sensitivity was because I had LUPUS. After seeing the specialist it took only 3 days to get a telephone call back, for a third meeting to discuss my diagnosis, treatment and prognosis.

I was shocked, being back then a 25 year old woman on the top of her game who was working on her own self discovery and accomplishments, in which wheelchairs, treatment, pain and suffering were not apart of. When the specialist began talking to me and said that it will probably get worse during a flare up, most of my dreams and substance jumped right out of that window behind his desk in that corner office of his.

Keeping it Real

He continued on with treatment options and suggestions for my health and diet, but all I heard was a death sentence. You know how sometimes if you cut yourself without knowing, and it doesn't hurt until you begin looking at it? Well I began to pay attention to all of those bad things that could happen in still of believing that the road would be rough but I could "Walk that Thang Out"!!! It was very difficult dealing with this and I must be honest, back then I was younger and still growing and I had not come completely into my own; and the strength that I have now and wisdom that I've gained from experiences I've had were absent, and I operated somewhat off of fear of the unknown.

Time Will Tell

Through the years, I've experienced rough times, in regards to having LUPUS. I've had to use a cane during flare ups early on, I've had to stay completely out of the sun (meaning I couldn't go home and visit the KEYS for a couple of years), I had to lighten my work load tremendously and change my diet.

With some things within my human nature, I didn't remain consistence, therefore causing sometimes almost unbearable flareups (where my joints would be achy, I would have high fevers, I would have back pain, bad skin irritations, fatigue and chest pain). Even though my doctor and specialists told me what to do in order to keep this LUPUS at bay without many flare ups, and avoid taking the steroids that help to supress the symptoms. I didn't make any commitment to myself to pull through. I love me and wanted to see me do better and I made a decision to work this out for me!

Destroy it!

Time has an awesome way of telling you, your own story in a realistic way! With each day that passed and I was still here, I became more grateful and that simple gratitude precipitated a change in my life, that "Confucious" wouldn't believe. One day I decided that LUPUS was not going to beat me and that I HAD ALREADY CONQUERED IT! I had to go back in time and pass that office building of that specialist and catch those dreams that jumped out of the window and put them in their proper place in my FUTURE.

I was thinking like a person who didn't have any hope and if I could go back and talk to everyone that I met then, who I participated in pity parties with because we all were suffering from the same thing, I would encourage them to change their MINDSETS TOO. I ripped that ending out of my book of life and destroyed it and replaced it with.

THE HOPE THAT I HAVE FOR ALL THINGS!

Don't get me wrong, I still have rough days and flare ups but I am taking the necessary actions that I need to, to stay healthy and reduce the impact of this LUPUS thing!

On one hand I am glad that I didn't know then what I know now, because I would not have a Living Testimony! I had the opportunity to experience the ugliness of LUPUS and come out a WINNER, regardless of what I feel like or what turns life has taken. My smile has gotten a lot bigger since I stopped carrying that burden of fear around!

My Dearest PHAMLI,

I hope that you were blessed by this week's piece. For many years the people in my life had no idea what was going on with me and telling them would have meant that I gave in. Once I decided to make a commitment to stay alive and improve my quality of life, sharing wasn't so bad. There is life after "bad news", and it does not always have to be so grim, trust me, I've Lived it! Although I have listened to lecture after lecture from doctors and specialists, life didn't change, until I took ME more seriously!

God keeps on blessing me, and one thing that I have learned is that He responds to Faith, and for as long as I said that I was going to be alright and didn't believe it, I wasn't, until I began to believe that I would be! I appreciate each day and opportunity that I have, and have worked on complaining about things less and focusing on what I can change more. Even at the times when I am in severe pain, I say to myself, I AM STILL HERE and the best is Yet to Come! Be Blessed, Stay Healthy, love the one you're with and Take time to Make time for You!
Be well
Namaste'
Yahminah

an excerpt from

Ms Wisdom

...No crutch given shall be taken

and no blame cast shall be unjustified

and no chips shall fall upon my treasured shoulders

and no ripples will be allowed in the creation of this here wine

in MY garden, I grow, the necessary fruits

that carry the line of praise

and no weapon in any form that claims a victory

before it sees me, will find unusual defeat

those that find meaning in the words that I mumble

at times when my lips are cacooned

will kiss the feet of fate's spontaneity

and find Utopia in the Universe's Womb

I fret not, because I have not a seed of doubt

and my knowledge of the next

is what repleneshes the pending drought

There will be no blood, and I GIVE no sweat

for what I'm owed

and no crisis shall exist, or mishaps unfold

because my good living, comes at a price

from wars, waged and victoried by the light of the eclipse

Promises kept, and in them I trust

because my trials attract their opposite...

Yahminah McIntosh Copyright 2009